Once the appointment was all done I felt a number of things. Relief for a start that I’d gone and done it. Anger at how “quick to treat” The Specialist’s attitude was and sorrow. Sorrow because I feel for the numbers of women that go for that appointment like me feeling worried, anxious, unsupported and effectively are bullied into treatment that they are told little about it and for others, don’t need.
My advice to anyone is go to the Colposcopy and see for yourself and hear what they have got to say. I would never tell anyone to not get checks as I think we should. We definitely need to keep up-tabbed with our bodies but all I say is make an informed decision for you, about you.
Cancer is scary. Doesn’t matter if you are like me, young, aged 25 or mature and in your 50’s (and plus). It will quite frankly frighten the shit out of you if you have that word dangled over your head.
It’s very easy for some to tell you not to worry. It’s hard for me though to tell you not to worry because I have been there! It’s not a switch that you can flip and turn off. No amount of throwing yourself into work will quieten your screaming mind. All I can say is try. Try and not worry, try and not push those close to you during this time away from you. I didn’t realise I was doing it but in spending hours upon hours online and researching information I was alienating my husband. He didn’t say anything as he felt it was something I needed to do. But the day I realised how much I’d been pushing him aside I felt so bad. It’s not just me going through this. This affects him too. He’s scared of so much about it as I am. I woke up to how I was mistreating him and I was (and am) so sorry about it.
You are helpless as there is nothing you can do right now. You are frightened by it all. Some are angry (as I have been and am). Others regretful that they didn’t ‘live better’ or make ‘better choices’. I know. I have been there. The Seven Stages of Grief is the best way I can ever tell you that I’ve felt about it. But just know that you’re normal for feeling all this. You are human! Though you feel alone you’re not. There are voices that want to speak up, that want to yell too about what they have experienced but can’t and I know you can’t. I’ve been there. (It took a right kick up the bum for me to decide to share my finding, thoughts and experiences with the world!)
No matter who you are, how your smear/ colposcopy/ biopsy/ treatment/ after will go/ did go just remember to love cervix! Love yourself! Never hate yourself or your body for any of this.
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